The Man Load: Inside Men’s Silent Struggles
At a pre-COVID networking event in New York City, I sat among accomplished women as they shared their personal struggles with professional roadblocks. After one woman recounted her story of self-doubt, another said, “A man would never feel that way.” The room echoed in agreement. Several years ago, I would have joined in. But after working with many men who’ve bravely opened up about their insecurities, I raised my hand in their defense. High-achieving, successful men can lose their way too, and it can be just as soul sucking — they just rarely show it.
Behind the Ivy League degree and polished LinkedIn profile is the investment banker who’s faking it to make it, the senior executive who feels belittled by his boss or the midlevel manager who fears he’s become irrelevant. It’s remarkable how helpful they find it to hear other men with similarly impeccable resumes also feel unmoored. It’s not hard to see why. Dressed in varying degrees of conformity, and trained to never let their game faces down, how would these men know others are walking around feeling like they too have lost their mojo?
There’s truth to what the woman at the networking event said. Men are spared an entire genre of culturally curated self-doubt that women experience. Men as a demographic aren’t routinely paid less, sized up, dismissed in meetings, and overlooked for advancement. If one Googles the term ‘mental load,’ a barrage of articles appears with statistics proving that, in addition to the litany of unfair professional challenges, women share a disproportionate burden of the cognitive labor of running a household.
But somewhere in this necessary women’s movement, the modern man has been left behind. It’s like we’ve forgotten that alongside Murphy Brown and Working Girl, there was Who’s the Boss and Mr. Mom.
Like women, men are confronted with workplace challenges that can trigger seismic shifts in their self-confidence. And while women bear the mental load, men are often faced with the man load — experiencing deep insecurities about their life choices, work achievements and ability to provide, but feeling too scared or ashamed to talk about it. Just like the mental load, the man load can creep in and disrupt relationships, health and well-being.
It’s common knowledge, for example, that women face myriad challenges as new mothers. While a new dad may joke knowingly with colleagues about the late nights, that’s often where the empathy line is drawn in the sand. But dads can also feel distracted. Wanting to give attention to his family, a man may start to coast at work while switching his focus. Shifting back can trigger a loss of confidence, making him feel like he let go of the wheel just a little too long and wonder whether he can regain control.
Again and again, I listen as men privately unload their hidden struggles. Many have lost their fire and can’t reclaim the spark that fueled a rapid rise. Others feel weighed down by failure when it seems they should be nearing their pinnacle. Some feel denigrated by a difficult boss. Overlooking their years of success, these men feel alone at an inflection point, believing they have mismanaged their careers and are too ashamed to talk about it.
Not wanting to miss out on family time, mounting financial obligations and the pressure of keeping up appearances further add to the man load. All of this can cause men to feel crippled by stress, unleashing a landslide of self-doubt that perhaps they’ve never experienced before. It’s all normal, just not to the guy who has never faced it before and assumes everyone else has it all figured out. Whether it’s fear of emasculation or not wanting to worry their partners, men can quickly spiral into a negative self-narrative that leaves them feeling stuck. The mere mention of it can often result in the flippant and all too cliché response that he must be experiencing his midlife crisis.
With the onset of COVID, the toxic silence is given fertile ground to grow. The outsized domestic burden women face while juggling their careers has been extensively documented across social media, giving women a needed voice and a sense of solidarity in their struggle. But for men — job loss, family demands, blurred work hours, uncertainty, limited networking and socializing with peers and a potentially more sedentary lifestyle are furtively being piled onto the man load. The equally dramatic toll is less obvious because no one is talking about it.
The pervasive issues professional women face are duly recognized. Women have a wellspring of necessary support systems in the form of friends, groups, virtual events and services that invite them to connect, share and be heard. It’s high time to welcome men to the conversation.
